Your hands

I do a lot of my thinking early in the morning, during our first feeding, rocking me and the baby in our corner of the nursery in our little corner of the world. In just the first two months with Zack, I've shed the majority of my tears in that room and have had some of the brightest moments of my entire life so far within those four walls, just learning everything I can about him.

There are times that my imagination just runs away from all realm of control. Like today, when, half-sleep-deprived and half just plain emotional, I felt a tug on my finger. Zack had grabbed it with one of his tiny fists and seeing his fingers open and close around my finger, and then a clump of my hair (ow!) and then rubbing up and down a corner of my shirt, I just knew that hand was going to learn so much in this world.

And so I told Zack a story that went something like this...

You see, that little hand of yours is going to take you to a lot of places.
It's going to be the little hand that feels unchartered territory time and time again; the fingers that squeeze, pull, push, grab and cling to all the things you'll hate and love and everything in between.

Zack, I can't wait until you and Momma explore the world together, hand in hand. There will be times when you hold tightly to my much bigger hands in many of life's great adventures. There are roads to walk down together and paths to explore and I know I will cherish all of the times you choose to take me with you on those explorations.

Then there will be the moments when I have to pull my hand out of yours, or more likely, when you pull yours away from mine so that you can explore all on your own. In my greatest moments of independence have come some of the toughest life lessons but also some of the greatest feelings of freedom and decision. I already dread the day I let go of your little hand to put you on the schoolbus, or say goodbye as you head to a friend's house or a camp or maybe even further away from me and your Daddy.

This hand will hold things that scientists don't think you should be able to hold, of this I am sure.
Your hand will reach for things you shouldn't see, feel things you shouldn't understand.

It will pet my hair one day, perhaps haphazardly. It will get in the way of diaper changes and getting dressed, interfere with bathing and will pick up lots of dirt and hopefully not a lot of bugs. :-)

Your hand, short and stubby right now, but strong as anything I've experienced, will explore our entire world, along with your curious blue eyes and powerful chicken legs.

I hope you hold my hand forever.
I hope you give me the privilege of holding yours until the end of time.

From the moment I first saw you, I saw that hand, reaching up to your face which was looking up to the bright lights in the operating room. Just a few hours later and it was curled up on my chest as we got to know each other better.

I love the way it falls over the top of my back when you fall asleep on my shoulder.

You see, there is so much of you to love. I love everything you have to offer, from your playful chirps and tired sighs to the way you seem to melt into my arms when I hold you.

You, and those beautiful hands, are the reason I was put on this earth. No one else can understand it, no one else can even come close to taking it away.

Many will love you and be loved by you and your world-chasing hands.
But you only get one Momma. And that makes me the luckiest person in the world.

Hold on, baby, hold on tight.